“Your sister used up all the hot water this morning.  I got in there and it was like a race to see if I could finish my shower before my nipples fell off.”

“Look at your boobs.  Goddamnit, I had to be pregnant with you for my breasts to look like that.  Then when I had you, they hit my knees.”

“Look in the mirror.  Would you hire that?”

“I have a perfectly good nickname for you from now on: Palsy.  What do you think?  Or do you prefer Distrophy?”

“Almond milk?  I did not know you could milk an almond.  Show me the teets of an almond!”

“I can’t believe we have to have that dog here for three weeks.  It’s gonna take us months to get rid of all the hair.  On the plus side, I guess we won’t be seeing too many of your friends for a while.”

“How hard does it have to be to get into a fucking tube of toothpaste?  What the hell is in there that needs to be sealed up like that?  It’s like I was opening a can of plutonium.  I’m writing a letter to that company.  How the hell do old people open things?”

*referring to a thermos*

“Get your dildo out of here before it spills all over my car.”